Yes that is what my BFF calls me, only problem is i am going to be 40 soon! She says this with the most love, and tells me never to change, i am perfect the way I am. She tells me this on the days when I question my path in life. Why does she call me that you wonder? Well if you know me, you already know, I move fast and carelessly without a worry in the world. Or so it seems, but that's another story. This is about the girl who plays video games, yes the kind where you shoot and kill people and wait year after year in anticipation of the next one and stay up til midnight when it comes out just to be one of the first to have it. I drink beer and whiskey and often, i dress like a teenager and buy make up in all kinds of shades and still play dress up, i am an app addict and a text addict and a facebook addict, ok you get the picture oh that reminds me instagram addict, there's nothing like posting a photo and having instant gratification from a bunch of strangers who "like" your photos just so you can go check out their library of endless puckered faces in skinny jeans, yeah i wear those too!I have been in a series of dead end relationships and marriage every time convinced, or convincing myself that "he's the one" ignoring all those voices in my head telling me otherwise, because at my age i still feel like i'm 12 and have a lifetime to find the one, i have sabotaged my love life the way a butcher dives into a fresh pig.
Here is the thing, i come from what i like to call the lost generation or the world is your oyster generation. I was a teenager when it started to be ok to get divorced because as a woman you "wanted more" and you deserved it, it was after the feminist movement, women had a voice, had options, we weren't going to put up with it. However, we hadn't quite created a place for ourselves yet so we were left free to roam the world with no where to go but strong and independent as ever with a world of options. Well being the opportunist aquarius that i am I took that to heart and wanted to experience everything this world had to offer and, well, experience i have. My other good friend always says i should write a book about my life, it's always such an adventure. The thing is, with all that said my friends all still managed to get married and have kids and remain in loving successful relationship, so what gives?
The real answer is simply that i just don't know how to be a grown up, there are so many "shoulds" at my age, or expectations of how a grown woman must behave and what she should have accomplished, that I feel a bit lost. I don't have those things, the big career, the husband, the kid on his way to college a new hobby to keep me busy after the next is emptied. I'm not really sure of where I should be at this point in my life. I am now in a new relationship, he's 24 and more mature than any grown man i have ever been with, since i never dreamed he liked me "that way" I shared a lot with him as we were starting a friendship which inevitably means i exposed myself to someone in a very vulnerable way not knowing what would come of it. Maybe he'll teach me to be a grown up, who knows? Maybe he's the one ;-)
I have developed some amazing friendships over the years with the best women that could have crossed my path and they love me unconditionally and i know they are just waiting to see what i will be up to next, maybe i'll figure out how to be a grown up but i doubt it!
